A Redneck Christmas decoration?
Archive
Redneck Joke 01
You might be a redneck if a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.
Redneck Joke 02
You might be a redneck if a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
Redneck Joke 03
You might be a redneck if all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.
Redneck Joke 04
You might be a redneck if all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
Redneck Joke 05
You might be a redneck if all you want for Christmas is deer pee.
Redneck Joke 06
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
Redneck Joke 07
You might be a redneck if any of your children were conceived under a stop light.
Redneck Joke 08
You might be a redneck if any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Redneck Joke 09
You might be a redneck if any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
Redneck Joke 10
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
Hard drive – Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
Keyboard – Place to hang your truck keys.
Window – Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Modem – How you got rid of your dandelions. Usage: “We gonna modem dandelions”
ROM – Liquor often mixed with Coke
Byte – Beginning of an insult, often followed by the word “me” or “this”
Cursor – The person doing the cursing. What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Tab – What you owe the bartender
Shift – How you get to a different gear.
RAM – Great truck
Edit – Past tense of “eat” “Wher’d that leftover possum belly go?” ” You edit afore you passed out las nite.
Internet – Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).
Fonts – That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.
Laptop – Where the stripper sits.
The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn’t fork.
Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You’ve ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
The official year 2010 Redneck Census Form:
Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure,guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher
Spouse’s Name:_____________
2nd Spouse’s Name:_______________
3rd Spouse’s Name:_______________
Lover’s Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet
Number of children living in the home:_____
Number of the children living in the shed:_____
Number that are yours:_____
Mother’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed
Model and year of your pickup:196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:____
How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“I sure do.”
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
“That’s real good!” said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.
“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.
“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.
“No,” his friend replied.
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
