• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~Johnny Carson
• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~Shirley Temple
• Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. ~W. C. Fields
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” ~Victor Borge
• Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.” ~P. J. O’Rourke
• The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. ~Peter Dickinson
• From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. ~Katharine Whitehorn
• Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~Larry Wilde
• Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. ~Anonymous
• In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ ~Dave Barry
•I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” ~Bernard Manning
• Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts. ~Max Lucado
• I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” ~Harlan Miller
• Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. ~Dave Barry
