Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.

The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!

A horse went into a bar. The barman said…”Why the long face?”

Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.

Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?
A: a baboom

Q : What is the difference between women and magnets ?
A : Magnets have also positive side.

Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?
A: Enormous.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’

I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’

I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman
Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’

I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’

I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If all is not lost, where is it?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down – Press up…Press Down…!

***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for $1
… No Strings attached
…but for a limited period ONLY!
…A bloody good deal!

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated…calibration complete, now searching…..still searching….still searching……sorry, no friends found.

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.

Press down..More…Ok more…WOW yes ahh ohh yes….almost there….oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD…oh goddd!…That’s how I sex on text!

Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

Funny One Liners

What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.

The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!

A horse went into a bar. The barman said…”Why the long face?”

Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?

A. Getting r*ped.

Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.

Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?
A: a baboom

Q : What is the difference between women and magnets ?
A : Magnets have also positive side.

Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?
A: Enormous.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

There are two times a man does’nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in remembering two people the same thing.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does’nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” Following her down the street I yelled, “No, jump in!”

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he’ll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living. – God forbid.

Marriage is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter.”

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. -Oscar Wilde

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. -Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. -H. L. Mencken

Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is dinner in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

In love you go to bed early. After marriage, you go to sleep early.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

1.Frankenstein , (1931) “It’s Alive! It’s Alive!”, Dr. Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive)

2. Every Day’s a Holiday, (1937), “You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.”, Larmadou Graves (Charles Butter worth)

3. Gone With the Wind , (1939), “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)

4. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes , (1939), “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone)

5.The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

6. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “There’s no place like home”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

7. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little dog too”, Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton)

8. Casablanca , (1942), “Here’s looking at you, kid”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

9. Casablanca , (1942), “Play it again, Sam”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

10.Casablanca , (1942), “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

11. Casablanca , (1942), “We’ll always have Paris”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

12. Casablanca , (1942), “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

13. Yankee Doddle Dandy , (1942), “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you”, George Cohan (James Cagney)

14. All About Eve, (1950), “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride”, Margo Channing (Bette Davis)

15. A Streetcar Named Desire , (1951), “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”, Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh)

16. Psycho , (1960), “We all go a little mad sometimes”, Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins)
17. Dr. No , (1962), “Bond. James Bond.” James Bond (Sean Connery)

18. Goldfinger , (1964), “Shaken – Not stirred”, James Bond (Sean Connery)

19. Cool Hand Luke , (1967), “What we have here is a failure to communicate”, Captain (Strother Martin)

20. In the Heat of the Night , (1967), “They call me Mr. Tibbs”, Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Portier)

21. Dirty Harry , (1971), “Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk”, Inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood)

22. The Godfather , (1972), “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

23. The Godfather , (1972), “Don’t ask me about my business, Kay”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

24. The Godfather , (1972), “This isn’t personal, Kay. This is business”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

25. The Godfather: Part 2, (1974), “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

26. Rocky , (1976), “Yo, Adrienne”, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)

27. Taxi Driver , (1976), “You talkin’ to me”, Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro)

28. Star Wars , (1977), “Get this big walking carpet out of my way”, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)

29. Star Wars , (1977), “May the force be with you”, Hans Solo (Harrison Ford)

30. Apocalypse Now, (1979), “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory”, Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall)