One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”. Within the hour, the neighbor’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?”
Archive
Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!
I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU!
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Motel Six won’t leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street .”
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A. He's all right now. Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck. Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? A. Ugly sheep. Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away from the noise. Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common? A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? A. Fill it with gas. Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.
The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!
A horse went into a bar. The barman said…”Why the long face?”
Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.
Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?
A: a baboom
Q : What is the difference between women and magnets ?
A : Magnets have also positive side.
Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?
A: Enormous.
My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman
Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
