One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”. Within the hour, the neighbor’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?”
Archive
This is why men are happier:
1- Your last name stays put.
2- The garage is all yours.
3- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4- Chocolate is just another snack.
5- You can never be pregnant.
6- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
8- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100.
9- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
10- People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. (lol)
11- One mood all the time.
12- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
13- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
14- You can open all your own jars.
15- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
16- Your underwear is just $9.95 for a three-pack.
17- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (sometimes 2)
18- Everything on your face stays its original color.
19- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
20. You only have to shave your face and neck. (This is not true)
21- One color for all seasons.
22- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
23- You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
24- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
25- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Dear President Obama:
I’m planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico
for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.
We’re planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. Into Mexico,
and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration
quotas and laws.
I’m sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you
mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I’m on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,
whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual)
teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and
history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at
their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to
government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but, I don’t plan to
purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to
learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from
their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has
at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on
my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any
complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have
any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely
nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the
strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I’ll need Income tax credits so although I don’t pay Mexican Taxes, I’ll
receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov’t pays $4,500 to help me buy a
new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social
Security program so that I’ll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for
all his people who walk over to the U..S. From Mexico . I am sure that
President Calderon won’t mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
You’re Da man!!!
Politically Correct Santa
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 – The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; “Naaaah . . . not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
