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How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.

What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dun no!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!

What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s writing on the white-out.

Why don’t blondes eat Jell-O?
They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
OR: I don’t know.
OR: Neither did she.

Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier……….

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don’t have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they’ve no idea of the route.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off it’s 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with ‘Please turn over’ scribbled on both sides.

Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.

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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

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Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

“Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong.”

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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said “concentrate.”

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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she’s 18.

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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Left handed pencil

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Clear correction fluid

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 – The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; “Naaaah . . . not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Fishing Buddies
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.

“Did you mark the spot?” asked Blonde #1.

“Yup,” said Blonde #2. “I put a big X on the bottom of the boat.”

“You dummy!” said Blonde #1. “What if we don’t get the same boat?”

Barking Dogs
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor’s dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, “I’ve had enough. I’m going to do something about this.” So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.

“What did you do? The dog’s still barking,” asks the wife.

“I put the dog in our back yard. Let’s see how they like it.”

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
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When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, “I’m sorry, we only have iceberg.”
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What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

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A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, “Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles.” She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

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While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, “What in the world are blind people doing driving?”

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Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

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How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

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Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

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Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

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What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

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What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

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What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

“Oh, look, Daddy … doughnut seeds.”

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How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.