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“This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven’t seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan’s fantasy camp.” –Seth Meyers

“Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she’s been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.” –Seth Meyers

“When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom.” –Seth Meyers

“And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I’m not saying it’s easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving.” –Seth Meyers

“But if you’re looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders, you should check with the State Department and not Sasha and Malia. And while we’re at it, Queen, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. Let’s try to remember, you’re world leaders, not Secret Santas.” –Seth Meyers

“New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?” –Seth Meyers

“President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won’t be easy; and third, that it’s all President Bush’s fault.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The speech was televised on all the networks. Fox had to move ‘American Idol’ tonight to accommodate it, which is outrageous. But that’s why it was smart that Obama opened by singing “Living on a Prayer.’ Even Simon liked it, it was very well done.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“We begin tonight in Washington, where Barack Obama has most likely just finished his address to the nation, no doubt shocking observers with his call for a global Christian crusade. I don’t think anybody saw that coming. And he also introduced the poverty relief program that included a plan to, this is interesting, lift the societal taboos on eating adorable animals. He actually ended his speech tonight with the phrase, ‘We’re coming for you, kittens. And we’re bringing the A-1.’” –Jon Stewart

“So, why did Obama go to Canada? [on screen: Obama, speaking from Ottawa, at first says it's 'a great pleasure to be here in Iowa,' before correcting himself quickly]. He went to Canada on the first trip because he can mess up there! It’s Canada. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of a preseason game.” –Jon Stewart

“You’re working on your fundamentals. You get to practice the airport meet and greet, get to do a little state walk, try not to giggle at eccentric locals … and, of course, the traditional signing of the guest book? [on screen: Obama signing the guestbook in Canada]. Canada has world leaders sign their guest book? Are you a country, or a bed and breakfast?” –Jon Stewart

“All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our ‘How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,’ above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party.” –Jon Stewart

“So, while Obama faces many challenges, he himself still presents a challenge to the Republican party. How will they be able to counter his unique popularity and message of change? Perhaps they’ll do it with their new selection for GOP chairman Michael Steele. … What is it about Steele that’s got Republicans so excited? [on screen: Newt Gingrich saying he'll bring 'energy and drive' to the GOP, and Ron Christie saying the fact that he's black is 'a bonus']. What? That is true, I mean, when has being black not been a bonus? But I think they prefer to be called ‘bonus Americans.’” –Jon Stewart

“Tonight is President Obama’s first address to Congress. I’m TiVo-ing it, don’t tell me who won. I certainly hope he was a little more optimistic than he has been [on screen: Obama's past dire warnings about the economy]. It’s all part of his plan to stimulate the economy through sales of Paxil.” –Stephen Colbert

“What is the matter, Mr. President? Was hope forced to resign due to tax problems? There is good news to report out there [on screen: news reports that Wall Street has 'turned the clock back to 1997']. It’s 1997! [on screen: Colbert dances to Hanson's 'Mmm Bop'] Folks, Ross and Rachel are back together. We are desperately keeping our Tamagotchis alive, and we know the stock market still has a couple of primo bubbles ahead of it” –Stephen Colbert

Barack Obama is our 44th president, but there actually have only been 43 presidents: Cleveland was elected for two nonconsecutive terms and is counted twice, as our 22nd and 24th president.

EIGHT PRESIDENTS were born British subjects: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison.

NINE PRESIDENTS never attended college: Washington, Jackson, Van Buren, Taylor, Fillmore, Lincoln, A. Johnson, Cleveland, and Truman. The college that has the most presidents as alumni (seven in total) is Harvard: J. Adams, J. Q. Adams, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Rutherford B. Hayes, J. F. Kennedy, and George W. Bush.

PRESIDENTS WHO would be considered “Washington outsiders” (i.e., the 18 presidents who never served in Congress) are: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Taylor, Grant, Arthur, Cleveland, T. Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Coolidge, Hoover, F. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and G. W. Bush.

THE MOST COMMON religious affiliation among presidents has been Episcopalian, followed by Presbyterian.

THE ANCESTRY of all 43 presidents is limited to the following seven heritages, or some combination thereof: Dutch, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Swiss, or German.

THE OLDEST president inaugurated was Reagan (age 69); the youngest was Kennedy (age 43). Theodore Roosevelt, however, was the youngest man to become president——he was 42 when he succeeded McKinley, who had been assassinated.

THE TALLEST president was Lincoln at 6’4″; at 5’4″, Madison was the shortest.

FOURTEEN PRESIDENTS served as vice presidents: J. Adams, Jefferson, Van Buren, Tyler, Fillmore, A. Johnson, Arthur, T. Roosevelt, Coolidge, Truman, Nixon, L. Johnson, Ford, and George Bush.

VICE PRESIDENTS were originally the presidential candidates receiving the second-largest number of electoral votes. The Twelfth Amendment, passed in 1804, changed the system so that the electoral college voted separately for president and vice president. The presidential candidate, however, gradually gained power over the nominating convention to choose his own running mate.

FOR TWO YEARS the nation was run by a president and a vice president who were not elected by the people. After Vice President Spiro T. Agnew resigned in 1973, President Nixon appointed Gerald Ford as vice president. Nixon resigned the following year, which left Ford as president, and Ford’s appointed vice president, Nelson Rockefeller, as second in line.

THE TERM “First Lady” was used first in 1849 when President Zachary Taylor called Dolley Madison “First Lady” at her state funeral. It gained popularity in 1877 when used in reference to Lucy Ware Webb Hayes. Most First Ladies, including Jackie Kennedy, are said to have hated the label.

JAMES BUCHANAN was the only president never to marry. Five presidents remarried after the death of their first wives——two of whom, Tyler and Wilson, remarried while in the White House. Reagan was the only divorced president. Six presidents had no children. Tyler——father of fifteen——had the most.

PRESIDENTS LINCOLN, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy were assassinated in office.

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS were made on the lives of Jackson, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Truman, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, G. H. W. Bush, Clinton, and G. W. Bush.

EIGHT PRESIDENTS died in office: W. Harrison (after having served only one month), Taylor, Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Harding, F. Roosevelt, and Kennedy.

PRESIDENTS ADAMS, Jefferson, and Monroe all died on the 4th of July; Coolidge was born on that day.

KENNEDY AND TAFT are the only presidents buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

LINCOLN, JEFFERSON, F. Roosevelt, Washington, Kennedy, and Eisenhower are portrayed on U.S. coins.

WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, McKinley, Cleveland, Madison, and Wilson are portrayed on U.S. paper currency.

“Now here’s something that gives you a pause for thought. Over the weekend, a church that Sarah Palin attended was burned. Somebody set fire to the church. Very serious, disturbing. As a matter of fact, they are looking for a guy. And they think it’s Joe the Arsonist. That’s who they are looking for.” –David Letterman

“Bush is in Baghdad, he’s having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, ‘Here’s your farewell kiss, you dog!’ That’s what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC.” –David Letterman

“Right now, they’re trying to find out, they arrested the guy, trying to find out if he’s a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. But it’s the same old story. You hear this over and over again, a guy, this crazy guy, goes into a Payless store, he purchases a pair of Rockport shoes, and they didn’t even do a background check on him.” –David Letterman

“You’ve got to give Bush credit. I mean, the guy moved pretty quickly. … Too bad he didn’t react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers.” –David Letterman

I don’t think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War.” –David Letterman

Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes

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“McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain’s houses. That would be a job for life.” –Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber

A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, ‘Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they’ll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, ‘Do I live here?’” –David Letterman

“Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn’t need them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I’m watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, ‘My friends.’ And so I am just blotto.” –David Letterman

“At one point McCain referred to Barack Obama as ‘That One.’ And McCain later thought maybe something had gone haywire. He apologized, he said he got confused, he thought he was at the bakery.” –David Letterman

Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.” –Jay Leno

“I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is ‘going rogue’ and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It’s gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now ‘Joe Biden.’” –Jay Leno

“Here’s how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin’s 2012 campaign.” –David Letterman

“You know what? This always happens in politics. Sarah Palin, when she gets on the ticket, everybody is going, whoa, how about this? Come on. Look out. Here we go. We got us something here, you know. Now everything has turned around. McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here’s what they’re talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone.” –David Letterman

“According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone they get pregnant.” –Seth Meyers

“Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read.” –Conan O’Brien