Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they’re really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares? Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren’t gagging over the skunk.

Q: What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don’t Succeed…blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.

15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”. Within the hour, the neighbor’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?”

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won’t leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street .”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Blonde 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Blonde 2: How did you conclude that?
Blonde 1: My last two children don’t resemble him at all.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

Blondes and driving do not mix!

What do you call a cow with no legs??
Ground beef.

The road to success is always under CONSTRUCTION!

A horse went into a bar. The barman said…”Why the long face?”

Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.

Q: What do you call a monkey on a mine field ?
A: a baboom

Q : What is the difference between women and magnets ?
A : Magnets have also positive side.

Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?
A: Enormous.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

Q: What do u find in an empty nose?
A: Finger prints.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’

I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’

I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman
Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’

I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. ‘Best Before End’

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’

I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.