Blonde 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Blonde 2: How did you conclude that?
Blonde 1: My last two children don’t resemble him at all.

Blondes and driving do not mix!

How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag.

What’s the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Marriage.

How is a blonde like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
With a tire gauge!

How does a blonde get pregnant?
And I thought blondes were dumb!

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dun no!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

Why do men like blonde jokes?
Because they can understand them.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin-I don’t know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
She has a checkbook.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!

What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
An air mattress.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s writing on the white-out.

Why don’t blondes eat Jell-O?
They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
OR: I don’t know.
OR: Neither did she.

There’s a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette.

On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated… they’re in a panic. They’re screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask whats wrong, and one of the blonde’s replies, “what’s wrong?!? well, you’d be screaming too if you didnt have a driver!!!”

Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, “Meow.” The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, “Woof.” The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, “Potato.”

The Ultimate Sacrifice
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn’t let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

Why can’t blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.

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Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

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Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

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What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

“Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong.”

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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said “concentrate.”

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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she’s 18.

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How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write “Please turn over” on both sides of a piece of paper.

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How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

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Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented:

Black highlighter

Waterproof tea bags

Braille driving manual

Dehydrated water

Screen door on a submarine

Helicopter ejection seat

Air conditioning for motorcycle

Left handed pencil

Wooden barbecue

Glow-in-the-dark sun dial

Gasoline fire extinguisher

Battery-powered battery charger

Clear correction fluid

Fake rhinestones

Fireproof matches

Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses

Mesh umbrella

Solar-powered flashlight

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 – The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; “Naaaah . . . not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Fishing Buddies
Two blonde fishing buddies rented a boat early one Saturday morning and headed out for a day on the lake. They both caught their limit and headed home to fried fish dinners. The next Saturday they decided to go fishing again.

“Did you mark the spot?” asked Blonde #1.

“Yup,” said Blonde #2. “I put a big X on the bottom of the boat.”

“You dummy!” said Blonde #1. “What if we don’t get the same boat?”

Barking Dogs
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor’s dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, “I’ve had enough. I’m going to do something about this.” So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.

“What did you do? The dog’s still barking,” asks the wife.

“I put the dog in our back yard. Let’s see how they like it.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”