Christmas Vacation (1989)
Clark: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fu@%ng Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
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Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
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[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I’ll show you.
Todd: You’ve got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn’t talking to you.
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Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
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Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
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Clark: Well I’m gonna park the cars and get check the luggage, and well, I’ll be outside for the season.
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Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I’m doing just fine, Clark.
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Clark: ‘Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That’s my name.
Clark: No shit.
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Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
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[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
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Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn… the clean, cool chill of the holiday air… an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer…
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn’t know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it’s illegal. That’s a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
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Bethany: Don’t throw me down, Clark.
Clark: I’ll try not to, Aunt Bethany…
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Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him’s nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin’ bricks.
Clark: You shouldn’t use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin’ rocks
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Ellen: Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That’s all part of the experience, honey.
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Eddie: I don’t know if I oughta go sailin’ down no hill with nothin’ between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
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Clark: We’re kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We’re not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
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Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.
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[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn’t, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
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Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used ‘em all.
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Ellen: I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.
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Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don’t *know*, Margo!
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Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
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Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I’m sleeping with your father. Don’t be so dramatic.
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Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won’t think anything of it.
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Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn’t have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn’t have brought presents.
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Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I’m freezing my baguettes off.
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Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany’s 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.
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Ellen: Welcome to our home – what’s left of it.
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[after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?
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Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?
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Aunt Bethany: What’s that sound? You hear it? It’s a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
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[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.
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Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
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Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can’t just attack someone.
Margo: Alright then, if you’re not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
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Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you’re not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He’s an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.
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Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on it’s way in from New York City.
Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
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Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin… Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?
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Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.
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Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I’m gonna catch it in the coat… And smack it with the hammer.
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Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn’t we?
Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm… Maybe we ought to just go up there and check…
Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car…
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Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I’m waiting.
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Clark: Oh, I was just smelling – smiling. I was just blouse – browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn’t… Oh hee hee, it wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they – HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn’t it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
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Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How’d you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
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Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain’t Santa Claus?
Clark: I’m sure… I can’t even afford to be an elf.
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Clark Sr.: SQUIRREL!
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Ellen: Clark, I think it’d be best if everyone went home… before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.
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Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
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Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations…
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Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
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Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
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[Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
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Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirlet]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
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Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain…
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: …Is innocent.
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Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn’t*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
SWAT Commander: That’s pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a…
Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I’m reinstating all the bonuses.
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Clark: I think you’ve made a terrible mistake.
SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister.
Clark: May we blink?
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Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
Todd: Oh, I’m sure he’ll fall. But I don’t think we’re lucky enough for him to break his neck.
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Clark: Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?
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Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about was he does when I’m NOT lying next to him.
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Clark: Later dudes! Let er’ rip, hang ten!
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Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.
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Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won’t fit in our back yard.
Clark: It’s not going in the yard, Russ. It’s going in the living room.
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Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there’s an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It’s a good looking vehicle, ain’t it?
Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
[Raises class to his mouth]
Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don’t you go falling in love with it now, because, we’re taking it with us when we leave here next month.
[Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
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Art: The little lights… they aren’t twinkling.
Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.
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Ellen: Clark! I don’t want to spend the Holidays dead!
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Clark: Whew, it’s warm in here.
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that?
Mary: Because it’s cold out.
Clark: Yes it is, it’s a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.
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Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?
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Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn’t the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT!
[kicks widly at the presents under the tree]
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Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree.
[He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark]
Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm… Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.
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Eddie: Don’t forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
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Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking.
[Ellend sticks her finger in it seeing that it's Jello, while Eddie licks it off her finger]
Eddie: It’s lime.
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Clark: I can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come.
Eddie: Yeah I’m excited about it too.
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Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me?
Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art – he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet!
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Todd: [trying to fix a busted stereo] Obviously something had to break the window, something had to break the stereo.
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet Todd?
Todd: I don’t know Margo!
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Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd.
[another knock]
Margo: If you want to come in you’ll have to break down the goddamn door!
[Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
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Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don’t know.
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Ellen: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Name. And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does.
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Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It’s a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
